Have you ever looked at your life and just thought to yourself, “damn, what a mess?”
Yeah, me too.
For years, I questioned why I am the way that I am and where exactly am I going in this crazy life? What’s the endgame, the master plan I was destined for?
I’ve started to understand that this constant second guessing, this innate self doubt comes from my fear of abandonment.
My father emotionally scarred me at a very young age.
My older brother was arrested and went to jail for drug abuse,
younger brother followed the same pattern.
My first love decided his career was more important than our relationship and moved away.
Subconsciously, I believed anything or anyone that I was emotionally involved in or with, would eventually leave me. I allowed myself to become small, to expect to be less than everything and everyone. I believed I did not matter enough to hold value in someone’s life. I feared I would never be good enough for someone to stay.
Sometimes as we grow up, we never truly let go of the past. We may think we’ve got everything under control and then all of a sudden we’ve got a tub of icecream in one hand and a margarita in the other. Our subconscious has a funny way of manifesting the past in our present.
I mean look at me. I am definitely not all alone. I have two beautiful children and a husband that I adore. My obsession with defining my life plan, my ultimate goal, my destiny or fate was born from the need to have a plan, aset plan for myself that would ensure I would be okay when the things and people I loved decided I wasn’t enough anymore.
It took me some time to unpack this and discover where this fear came from. I had to take a hard look at myself now and an even deeper look at my past to see where these thoughts stemmed from. I believe with most destructive thoughts or beliefs, there are 3 layers to work through to get to the root.
Layer 1: “What is happening in my life? Why can’t I get anything done? How is everyone else managing to live a perfect life?” Chaos. Everything feels like chaos, like you can’t find solid footing. The ground is shifting too fast beneath your feet.
Layer 2: “I can’t do this. I’m going to end up alone. They’re going to walk away. I’ll never matter to anyone.” I felt abandoned by my family and unworthy by loved ones.
This is the thought right behind that initial thought. “My life has no meaning. Who the heck would want me? Am I worth their time or am I just one big failure?” I definitely felt this for years. I failed – at a lot of things. I was told from a very young age that I was worthless and essentially manifested failure. I failed in school. I failed in sports. I failed in my relationships.
Layer 3: The real, subconscious thought. And that was it right there, I BELIEVED I was worthless and unloved, subconsciously.
When I realized what inner me was crying out to tell me, I had to stop and take a real look around. My wonderful, amazing husband isn’t going anywhere. I am blessed with the most vivacious girls. I have friends and coaches who truly care about me. My clients are a big part of my world and they look to me for guidance. I am loved. I am supported. My past trauma does not define my present anymore.
Just because our ego or inner critic sends us these bs thoughts, it doesn’t mean it’s true. Challenge them. Peel the layers. You may be surprised at what you find deep beneath the surface.
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